Break-ups to Break-throughs

Today is a day of reflection for me. It’s a day where not everything makes sense but I know it will, eventually!  Six months ago my boyfriend of three years broke up with me. When you have cared dearly for someone it is never easy but this post is not a woe is me feel sorry for Cayly post nor is it intended as a bash the ex post.  I have struggled, overcome and learnt so much during the course of the last few months, that I am hoping that by being transparent and sharing my heart, it may encourage someone who is going through a break-up.

Never in a million years did I think the words BREAK-UP, that sound so cheesey and so commercialised, would have such an impact on my very own life. But lets face it, a break up (whether you are the break upper or the break upee) can reduce the most ‘macho man’ into a sniffling marshmallow, and the strongest, sassiest ‘I don’t give a damn girl’ into a Cadbury munching wreck!

It has felt as though I  have been on a ‘skrik vir niks’ roller-coaster ride with extreme highs and extreme lows with giddying and unexpected twists and turns (and those who know me well know that I have an intense dislike of fun fairs.  This girl is not an adrenalin junkie)

What doesn’t help matters either, is that no-one can really truly understand the essence of what you are going through, except the one who WAS in it with you (and they are no longer around).  I have developed a categorising technique in my life where people either ‘get it’ or they don’t. Hence I have the ‘gets it’ category and the ‘don’t get it’ category. Most are in the ‘don’t get it’ category as they really just don’t understand, either for lack of empathy or they just couldn’t be bothered. The ones that ‘get it’, wow what gems, they are the friends and family who always know what to say, when to keep quiet and when to just listen.

So on this day, I look back – and I look forward. I feel a mixture of sadness and gladness. Sadness at the pain of whom and what I have lost, but gladness at the beauty and adventure that lies ahead. Some day it will all make sense. As horrible as what pain can be, it is sometimes necessary to build character and mould us into the great warriors that God intends for us to be.

Without knowing the outcome or the bigger picture I have totally submitted my life and heart to God and said ’It’s Yours, You know what is best for it!’… and I know that God has a great man for me – a man who will love, honour,  cherish and want me.

A few (well quite a few) little pointers or tips on what I have learnt:

  • When people who really don’t get it, say ‘ah just move on’… just laugh, they don’t know what you have been through and are not putting themselves in your shoes
  • Don’t hold on to what isn’t healthy for your heart
  • You should NEVER have to convince someone to love you!
  • Don’t rebound with some short-term sleazy type character who is going to make you feel better now, but worse later
  • Don’t live to ‘get back’ at the other person, instead rather do things that build on your life and help you grow without focussing on what it will do to said person
  • Communicate with your friends and family around you, tell them how you need them to support you. They are not mind readers
  • Confide in TRUSTED and EXPERIENCED people. Telling your tale to some random is  not going to be constructive
  • Confiding in a member of the opposite sex who didn’t really know your ex or your story,  will only result in messy advice being given. Be careful who you take advice from
  • Take responsibility for your actions and don’t blame others for the choices you made.
  • Submit yourself and the healing process to God. (Easier said than done I am aware, but it is the best and guaranteed way). His love will NEVER fail, NEVER give in and NEVER run out on you!
  • Allow yourself to hurt. Feeling the pain is necessary (sweeping it under the carpet will not help). I am a firm believer in dealing with the pain. Obviously its painful, but pretending it isn’t there is not going to make it go away. I think if someone could develop medication to take the pain of heartbreak away, they would be mega wealthy!
  • Be kind to yourself.
  • Stand on the truth of what is right
  • Rome wasn’t built in a day. There is no quick fix.
  • Your focus should not be on finding a new partner. You are not defined by your boyfriend or girlfriend. Rather work on yourself and become the best you that you can become.
  • If you do need to persue and fight for that special person, get off the couch and do so!

Here’s to turning break ups into break throughs


A healing-hearted Cayly